It’s been an unfolding of events in the last few days in this awkwardly beautiful space. We’ve been befuddled with quite a lot of issues that should elicit tears of pains, anguish and disdain but rather, the reaction we gave was of tears of laughter, scorn and derision endlessly rolling down our cheeks through their familiar tracks on our faces. Ain’t we used to the oddness in our land? Follow me as I satirically chronicle a few of the oddities in our cities in a manner capable of reducing your blood pressure.
Have you heard? That what? That the King eventually came back in the midst of cheers and jeers. Are there more jeerers than cheerers? It depends on your side of the divide. The medicine men in the land couldn’t cure him, no, the medicine men could, but with what? He had to go to one of the colonial powers with our priced cowries to beg their medicine men, and the royal donkey waited all these time in the colonial ranch at a cost. Shame!
So, the ‘Fada’ who controls the area kept saying our ‘mumu’ don do but does that apply to the Governor who declared a State wide holiday to celebrate the return of the King who himself was at work on the set day? Chai, Kogi State! Our mumu never do? Wait a minute, who likened this space to a zoo? But all of us questioned him, for one I’m not an animal, but why did the queen refer to hyena and jackals? Odd!
And the King was to enter his Palace only to be met with a stiff opposition from ‘heavily’ armed lassa-free presidential rodents. Mind you, it’s the home office not his bedroom, don’t we love making mountains out of a mole hill? But who divulged such a ridiculous attempt at keeping the King in his home office, shameful you say, but not until a report was dug out about rodents in the White House, Hmn, the rich also cry. But what if you weren’t told, na wahala. Wait a moment, aren’t you the same who clamoured to know what ailed the King? Ha! So you can’t keep a secret, I guess the King knew thy nature. Odd!
And somewhere in the beautiful city of Abuja also, the revered school teacher said you can now come to school even if you scored 30%. I don’t have time for fainting please, in fact, no space, I think the head teacher should be doing the fainting, having jammed so many in the past, looks like it’s a time for repentance. But shouldn’t restitution follow? Yes ‘nah’. Let him return all our extra over the 30% at least some of us will fulfill our long standing desires to be philanthropists by donating the extra to those with 10%, ‘everybody must go school’, ‘lower the standard abeg’. Odd!
I shouldn’t have mentioned the King again but this reaction came from Ekiti State, the village chief who had planned to commit suicide on the account of the King’s return said ‘mba’ life is sweet. An account said he never said so in the first place, but another report said he was singing, ‘scoobydoo… someone cannot play with you….’ ‘I was only joking’, he said. Hmn, the extent we can go to prove our points is horrible. From ‘I will go on exile if the King wins, to, call me a bastard if he wins, stone us if we don’t perform in 2 years and so on. Next to the King should be ‘Otun’ the Reverend, probably ‘Osi’ is the number three who sits over the affairs of the lawmakers, I hope he’s preparing for the hail of stones because 2 years had gone.
And in a city in Abia, a suspect escaped from police custody by removing the roof. Haba! Were all officers on duty sleeping? If yes, then that was synonymous to death. Were the suspects left alone while all other officers took off? Is that Police Division short of restrains as handcuffs and leg chains? But they have enough when they’re picking up a regular innocent boy on the excuse that he’s wearing a dreadlock. Same was the escape of a 23 year old self confessed ritual killer of a 8 year old girl. Haba! From a police cell barely 24hours after arrest.
And the Arakunrin in Ondo State ‘candidly’ advised his subjects to fly the plane because he can’t guarantee their safety on the roads, guess what? People were there to clap him.
The King’s Towncrier shouted, ‘let there be calm, let our words be seasoned with peace and tranquility, lace it with a dose of nationalism that promotes unity’. Haha! See who is talking about hate speeches, who started it? Who failed to be gracious and magnanimous in victory and called the losers ‘wailing wailers’? A man lost the Kingship, he’s naturally in pains of a loss, not a time to call names obviously. Sorry Oga Towncrier, you started the hate speech. Now the seed is fully grown and unfortunately you can’t cope with the harvest. May I mischievously say with a wry that the tag of ‘wailing wailers’ was ingeniously suited for the wailers at the time. Did I just say wailers again? Oops!
Indeed a lot of things are odd here, but rather than eliciting pains, unfortunately we’ve learnt to laugh about them. We need help, the divine has helped us already, where are the humans? No! They won’t be imported, don’t get it wrong, they’re born already, rather I should ask, where are you? THINK!